Sex and ageing

The need for affection and intimacy doesn't stop just because you are getting older. While the ways of being intimate with your partner might change over time, intimacy and closeness continue to be important needs.

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Sexuality plays a large role in many people’s relationships, health, wellbeing and quality of life. Ageing and sexuality looks different for everyone. Some older adults may continue both a sexual and intimate relationship, some are content with one without the other, and still others may choose to avoid these types of connections.

If you are in a relationship, clear and upfront communication with your partner is key to connecting and working out what you both want – no matter how old you are.

Here are some ways to talk openly about the topic without feeling uncomfortable.

Don’t treat sex as a taboo subject

If you have a partner, talk openly with them about any changes you are experiencing or what might be different while being intimate. Get advice if you need it. Speak to your GP, find a menopause specialist or clinic for advice, research the issue and check out information available from organisations like Age Concern and New Zealand Family Planning. 

Check in with your healthcare professional

If you sense a change in your own desire, or that of your partner, don't assume they aren't interested in you any more. Sexual desire can be affected by medications, chronic illness, changes in your body including hormone depletion, and poor general or mental health. But lowered drive or desire does not have to be normal, or expected, so seek the advice of your GP if you have any questions.

It might also be helpful to talk to a therapist, either alone or together. Find someone who has training in helping people with sexual problems.

Ageing as an LGBTTQIA+ person

Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Takatāpui, Queer, Intersex and Asexual people might find it harder to reach out or access the resources they need as they age. In Aotearoa New Zealand it is illegal to discriminate against anyone, including because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. This means that healthcare and services for older people must be accessible, fair and non-judgmental for LGBTTQIA+ people.

Practice safe sex

Remember you can catch a sexually transmitted infection at any age, so you should still be sensible about sexual activity and take precautions. This is especially important if you are dating or not in a long-term relationship. Talk with your healthcare provider about ways to protect yourself from STDs and infections during your regular check-ups and if you have any concerns between visits.

Know your rights

If you live in a rest home or in a healthcare facility, there should be a policy about your rights to privacy and to share a bedroom with your partner. If you are considering aged care or moving into a retirement community, make sure you inquire fully about the support they can offer you.

With the right communication and support in place, you can expect an active and enjoyable sex life as you age.

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Here are some tips for keeping your sex life flourishing – no matter how old you are.

• Keep fit and healthy.
  
• Keep working on your pelvic floor exercises – this applies to both women and men. A strong pelvic floor also improves bladder and bowel control.
• Use lubrication – for women, vaginal dryness is a common problem as age sets in due to changing hormonal levels. Lubricating gels and liquids can help. However, if that doesn’t work, talk to your nurse or GP for advice. There are hormonal-based prescription creams and pessaries that can make the world of difference.
• Impotence/erectile dysfunction: For men, erectile dysfunction (inability to maintain an erect penis) can be more common in later years. There are medications that can help. If it’s an ongoing problem, talk to your nurse or GP for advice.
• Take your time: Even if your sexual responses take longer, intimacy is much more than just the act of intercourse itself.
• Have realistic expectations: Remember you're not as young as you were. It doesn't mean the sex won't be as good, it might just be different.
• Experiment: With many years of experience under your belt, you may have more confidence in the bedroom. This may allow you to relax more, have fun and try new things.
• Maintain physical affection: There are many ways to connect sexually. It’s not just about intercourse. Certain physical limitations in older age may mean you need to think differently about how to give each other physical pleasure.

Learn more

Intimacy and Sexuality Age Concern NZ
Silver Rainbow (video) is an educational workshop for care workers and managers in the aged care sector.  The aim is to have rainbow friendly aged care services throughout New Zealand Kahui tu kaha Rainbow Services
Sexuality and Intimacy in Older Adults National Institute on Aging, US
Sexual health and aging – keep the passion alive Mayo Clinic, US

References

Intimacy and Sexuality Age Concern NZ
Older people still have sex, but it’s the intimacy and affection that matters more The Conversation, NZ, 2017